Toppling over in vunlerability

• Wednesday, August 26, 2009 1:20 AM, PDT
These days it is hard to find the time to write, yet I do want to keep everyone current with how Michael is doing. Last week we welcomed the hospice staff into our home. Michael was initially unsure what these people were going to do for us, but he seems to understand that they provide assurance during this difficult time. From my point of view they are providing us with a sense of security, coupled with concrete assistance during this final phase.

Michael's days are spent mostly in bed, as he lacks the needed energy it takes to move about. His walking is now benefited by a cane, which greatly assists him with the needed balance to move about independently. We do have to stand guard, as he can unexpectedly find himself toppling over. We are blessed that Michael is still able to communicate, and enjoy his meals and soft music throughout the day. His short term memory is definitely compromised, yet he has maintained his great sense of humor.

And though he finds himself grieving the loss of prior abilities, he spends most of the day with a smile on his face. Throughout the day Barbara and I do our best to smother him with our love. This unfortunate journey can easily be described as cruel, and all of us have our moments of unleashed pain. Yet throughout each day I make sure that I spend time just lying still, holding Michael in my arms.

For me it is most difficult when I need to walk out the front door of our home and face a world of people who don't know how we are all suffering. Very quickly I find myself feeling exposed, and raw with emotion. It draws forth a vulnerability I am not yet ready to reveal.

I am learning that loss is not always an abrupt event. For some, it is gradual. For us, it walks a delicate line, giving us a glimpse at what we are to lose. Yet at the same time reminding us what we still have. Each other.

Dan